wanderlust: everything and nothing

I never think it'll happen again, but it does and it's strange and it hurts.

Growing, that is.

I'd put a lot of effort in becoming comfortable with myself and accepting that I am who I am. Embracing it, even. Allowing myself love and adventure and the company that comes along with them. I never thought I'd get to the point where I felt the need to turn myself off.

In deciding to write this I started to reflect upon past hurt and the people I used to say that'd caused it. Now I'm more inclined to take responsibility. I'll never deny myself the way I feel but I've learned that I need to be more cautious. Selfish, even.

The funny thing is: I feel like I've learned this lesson before. That other people will always think of themselves first and that I should do the same, too. That I should always keep myself at a healthy distance.

I don't like this. I don't like gaslighting my own feelings. I don't like stopping myself from loving anyone the absolute most that I can. But I also don't like opening myself up only for others to pretend I'm not there.

Until I find a balance, it's goodbye for now.

12 comments:

Kalei's Best FriendMay 26, 2012 at 11:28 AM
Celeste, I have followed u for a few years... I understand your post completely... Life is all about lessons and learning... U definitely need time to heal as well as get perspective... Things happen for a reason- that's the only consolation I have found... And no, u should not stop your feelings nor pretend...
CyPinGirlMay 26, 2012 at 11:30 AM
this is a really nice post celeste and well written, food for thought indeed. growing up can be really hard and challenging but i'd like to think that it gets better eventually. and i believe balance is the key. and i can't seem to find it either. *sigh*
JenniferMay 26, 2012 at 8:27 PM
Good luck with your search... I hope to see you here again some time in the future.
janisMay 27, 2012 at 7:41 AM
hope everything's okay. xo
cbMay 27, 2012 at 12:06 PM
i hope you are okay. i know it hurts and i still go through this too. we all do when we meet knew people or like me trying to fully understand that each relationship you have with someone is not the same for each relationship. i have to treat everyone different and understand how to love them in that way and understand what each person is capable of. does that make sense? i have some family that are very hermit like and it bothers me. one minute they love me and show it and then the next they don't respond to emails, calls..etc and it gets frustrating but i can't hold them in the same regard as i do my best friend who responds to everything and is there for me at every minute i need her. i have to accept that they have problems and to embrace them for what they are and change the way i think internally of our relationship. it is a hard way to think but it works for the both of us now. when there is a relationship problem it is always both parties that are at fault, it is never one sided but sometimes it takes one person to realize how a relationship can work properly without making the other feel badly about who they are. i learn that much almost every day. i hope this makes sense but know i totally understand how you feel and i hope you feel better soon.

xoxoxoxoxox,
cb
AnonymousMay 28, 2012 at 9:19 AM
I think I can understand how you feel. I think I can.
I hope you feel better soon and I hope to see you here again. I really like this place of yours.
the best part of my day...May 28, 2012 at 10:33 AM
So been there...it's sucks. Like big time. Move on for yourself and nobody else. It gets better...
MackenzieMay 29, 2012 at 10:44 AM
aw, celeste. i totally understand and relate to this. hope you can find the balance soon, as i'll miss posts of your lovely little world. xo
AlexMay 30, 2012 at 2:56 PM
Thinking of you. Everything will turn out for the best.
lilyJune 5, 2012 at 12:34 PM
Do whatever you need to do to be comfortable with yourself. We'll all miss you and your inspiring and beautiful posts, and I hope you return soon. Also, thank you for directing me to the post on gaslighting, it's great food for thought. Good luck!
Professor Fancy PantsJune 5, 2012 at 7:33 PM
Good for you for standing up for yourself and doing what you need to do. That said...I'll miss your posts!! Hang in there.
AlexaJune 9, 2012 at 5:15 AM
thinking of you and wishing you well. i miss your lovely posts and will be waiting when you come back :)